Responsibility in Female Led Relationships

I used to think that being responsible meant paying your bills on time and having the basic necessities of life figured out. That’s one level of responsibility, and an important one to learn, but it’s not the only level of responsibility. I came to intimately realize this when I went away to a weekend men’s work experience where among other lessons was one on accountability.

I stood up in front of a room full of men and shared the burden I had been carrying about the choices I made in my life. I was asked by the man facilitating me to be accountable for my choices, not just to myself, but to the other people my actions impacted. What he asked me to do brought me face to face with the full consequences of my choices, not just for myself, but for other people. It was a life changing moment.

Taking accountability for my choices was the first step on the road to being truly responsible for my choices in life. It wasn’t an easy road to walk, but it has made me into a better man and person. One of my next steps happened through a class I was taking. In the class, the teacher made the point none of us were victims of circumstances. We had made choices and were responsible for those choices. If we weren’t happy with those choices, we had responsibility for that lack of happiness in our lives.

Many people might read this and think it’s radical to take so much responsibility for one’s life. I personally find it liberating. At any given moment of the day, I can pause and reflect that the circumstances I find myself in are for the most part self-chosen. I don’t control everything around me, but I do have control over thing: How I choose to respond in my life.

The root words behind responsibility teach us what it really is

When you look at the word responsibility and break it down you have two words: Response and ability. Or to reframe it, you have the ability to respond. Take a moment and really take that in. You have the ability to respond. It’s quite powerful!

Many people react and place that power in the hands of whatever they are reacting to. And yet at any given moment you could take that power back by simply choosing to respond instead of react. Many people will never do this because it is much more comfortable to react than it is to respond. For a long time, I was one of those people, at least a good part of the time. I took responsibility sometimes, but I also reacted a lot, and let my reactions call the shots.

And it wasn’t just my reactions. I let my feelings and desires also call the shots. I made some impulsive choices in the moment and the reason was that I didn’t have something essential. I didn’t have a clear sense of values that I could draw on. I realize how awful that might sound, but I don’t think I’m alone in this experience. I don’t make any excuses for it either. I grew up a certain way, learned certain skills for surviving and that became the way I operated for a long time. I used it to justify a lot of choices I made.

I had moments of insights and glimmers of realization but it really took hitting bottom, multiple times, for me to recognize that the way I was living my life wasn’t working. I wasn’t taking responsibility for my choices and I wasn’t always thinking about the choices I was making. I was living life on cruise control, but I wasn’t steering the car very well.

What taking Responsibility Really Meant

Getting into men’s work was when my life started to turn around. I took responsibility for the fact that I wasn’t happy with my life or with myself. I didn’t like myself very much. In fact, I downright loathed myself. I felt empty on the inside, and even though I had done a lot of meditation and inner work, I didn’t feel like any of it was really moving the needle. I was going through the motions of changing my life, but still ending up in the same exact space I had been in before.

Something needed to change and it became clear to me that a significant part of the change was my relationship with myself as a man, as well as how I related to other men. I didn’t have a lot of male friends. I didn’t know how to relate to other men. I just knew I distrusted them. But to be honest, I didn’t trust myself either.

My lack of trust in myself had led me to make questionable choices in my life. I realized the only way I could really begin to change my relationship with anyone else was by first changing my relationship with myself. I also knew that I couldn’t do that on my own. I still needed to be in relationship with other people. Instead of putting all this on a romantic relationship, which would have been unfair to the person that I would have gotten involved with, I started really focusing in on developing relationships with other men. By taking responsibility for the relationship I had with other men, I also took responsibility for the relationship I had with myself.

As I changed my relationship with other men, I began changing the relationship I had with myself and it helped me see some patterns in my life I hadn’t acknowledged or recognized. I had displaced my own responsibility onto the relationship I had with the women in my life. I had unconsciously looked to them to heal my issues, salve my pain, and otherwise take care of me. I began to recognize how much stress I had placed on the relationships I had been in. The more ownership I took of my relationships with myself and others, the more I was able to change how I showed up in those relationships.

How this applies to Female Led Relationships

In a female led relationship, the woman is the leader of the relationship. A man who is in this type of relationship may be tempted to abdicate his responsibility in the relationship. She’s in charge, so she calls the shots. However, this doesn’t release you from taking responsibility. If anything, being in this relationship requires you to take even more responsibility.

You’re taking on the responsibility of dismantling everything you’ve learned about being a man in a relationship and offering that up through your submission. You are also taking on the responsibility of submission to her and trusting her leadership. Another part of your responsibility is what I’ve been speaking to in this article: You need to take responsibility for your self care and well-being instead of putting it on her.

When I talk about self care and well-being, I’m not just talking about going to the gym and staying fit. That can be an important component of physical self-care and that’s often where men stop. Self-care goes far beyond that though. It includes:

• Learning good self care habits for how you nourish yourself.

• Getting rid of addictive habits such as smoking and alcohol and porn, while also identifying why you have chosen those habits.

• Learning emotional wellness and connection with the support of other men.

• Connecting with your sexuality from a place of curiosity, desire and creativity instead of from a place of trying to numb yourself.

The better you are at taking care of yourself, the better you can be in any relationship you are in.

A Practical Exercise for Taking Responsibility as a Submissive Man

Responsibility is different from compliance. A submissive man who truly wants to embrace responsibility as a core virtue needs to understand the difference.

Many men equate responsibility with compliance.

This is probably the most common pattern that shows up in Female Led Relationships. The internal logic is:

“If I do exactly what she wants, I’m being responsible.”

But compliance is only one expression of responsibility. A sovereign submissive version of responsibility is:

“I take responsibility for carrying out what we’ve agreed to, while remaining aware, communicative, and accountable.”

The difference is subtle but significant. One is passive execution; the other is active participation. Passive execution will only get you so far and at some point it will make the dynamic less powerful. Active participation shows that you are fully embracing your role in the relationship and the responsibility that comes with being a man whose submission to her leadership she can trust.

Responsibility is often externalized.

Many submissive men unconsciously believe:

• She is responsible for leading.

• She is responsible for making decisions.

• She is responsible for maintaining the relationship.

• She is responsible for correcting me.

This places an invisible emotional workload on the dominant partner.

In healthy dynamics, leadership does not eliminate shared responsibility. Different responsibilities can coexist without one partner becoming responsible for everything. She also needs to know that you can be a grown ass man that she doesn’t have to parent. If she has to parent you, that will kill the dynamic.

Take a moment and evaluate how you are applying these levels of responsibility to your life and dynamic. Be honest with yourself and her about what you think is working as well as what could be better.

There are additional layers of responsibility that we’re going to explore in the Sovereign Code Cohort, which includes:

• Taking responsibility for your emotional well-being and communication

• The difference between self-sacrifice and responsibility.

• The predictable consistency that tells she can trust you and creates the intimacy and openness you want.

We’ll cover all of this in the Sovereign Code Cohort, starting August 20th.

A lot of men try to tackle all of this on their own and they don’t get very far. What they really need is a support network of other men who can identify with and appreciate the challenges they face and hold each man accountable, even as each man holds himself responsible. The benefits of having a support group of men is you aren’t putting all of this work onto yourself or your romantic relationship. You get to be witnessed by other men and supported because they are also doing the same work.

Men who are in Female Led Relationships have their own unique challenge because they are choosing a relationship that goes against the societal norms about relationships. This is one reason I have put together the Sovereign Code Cohort, for men who choose to be in a Female Led Relationship (or want to be in one) to have a supportive space with other men who have the same desire.

We can put aside the narrative that so many men are told…that men need to lead and be dominant in the relationship and instead embrace out own desires, while also being held accountable to living our values so we can take responsibility for building the life and relationship we want, with the awareness and masculine presence she craves and is looking for from you.

A man who desires a Female Led Relationship is not a weak man. He is a man who knows what he wants and can advocate for it, while also accepting her leadership and guidance in the relationship. The Sovereign Submission Code Cohort is a space to build the foundation that supports what you want, with the fellowship of men just like you who are also seeking support so you can build and live your life unapologetically and powerfully as a sovereign man who is strong enough to lead and wise enough to kneel to her.

Values, Desires, and Female Led Relationships

One of the most important conversations I have with men who desire to be in female-led relationships is about defining their values for the relationship.

Your values are essentially the guiding lights for your life. They describe what is important to you. How you live your life in adherence to those values speaks to the quality of the relationships you have with yourself and with other people.

A person who doesn’t have a clear sense of values will, more often than not, live a fairly chaotic life because they struggle to identify what really matters to them. More often than not, they are reactive to what is happening around them rather than responsive to their values.

Desires are easy to discuss. We all have them and even if we struggle to express them, they are still identifiable. Your values, on the other hand, can be harder to define and describe even though we have words such as integrity, honesty, responsibility, or love to name those values.

When you have a clear sense of values, you are able to bring those values into the relationship. This actually creates a deeper sense of trust because she knows that you have a clear sense of your identity and how you are choosing to show up in the relationship.

This also tells her that you are capable of taking care of yourself and that you’re willing to take care of yourself because you are using those values as a way to define your actions and your choices. This even includes showing her that you’ve clearly made a conscious choice to be in a female-led relationship, which is a brave and bold decision on your part.

There are many men who long for this type of relationship and yet aren’t fully honest with themselves or with the women in their lives. As a result, they enter into an unconscious power dynamic where she may end up leading the relationship but it’s done by default as opposed to through a conscious decision on the part of both people.

Welcome to sovereignty through submission, leadership through service. This is the Substack for submissive men who value presence over performance and the dominant women who love them.

The values you live by can help you create the relationships that last

In the Sovereign Code Cohort, one of the areas that we focus on is defining the specific values that you are living in your life, both as a man and as a person. What I’ve discovered over and over again in relationships, both my own and in observing other men’s relationships, is that a clear lack of values often creates cracks in the foundation of the relationship because she can’t trust a man who doesn’t have an established sense of integrity. Your values form the bedrock of the integrity with which you live your life.

Your values tell you a lot about who you are. They tell her a lot about who you are. When you don’t know what your values are, by extension, you don’t really know yourself either. You don’t know what you want. You don’t know if what you want is really a conscious choice or if it’s an unconscious dynamic that you’ve entered into because you’re still trying to heal some part of yourself that hasn’t been adequately addressed in your life.

For much of my own life I did not have a clear sense of the values that were important to me. I didn’t know what they were. I lived my life by reaction. I would get into relationships from an unconscious place because I wasn’t in touch with who I was or what it meant to express my identity in the world. This created a lot of turmoil in my life, and in the relationships I was in. I was reacting to my own sense of loneliness and to the desires that I felt but I wasn’t balancing any of that with a sense of integrity or values. That could give me the necessary perspective to really look at both my own behaviors as well as my partner’s behaviors and evaluate whether or not we were the right fit for each other.

I am not alone in making these choices. Many men don’t know themselves and end up making choices that are not helpful for themselves or the relationships they are in. They make a choice on the basis of whether or not they find someone to be hot or sexy but they don’t necessarily take the time to really get to know that person and find out if, in fact, that person is really the right fit for them. Another mistake they’ll make is to focus so much on their kink or other desires that they have without balancing those desires with a system of values it speaks to the other areas of relationship, which are equally as important.

Value Mapping - a practical exercise available for supporting members of Sovereign Submission

In Value Mapping, I help submissive men discover what their specific values are and how they embody those values, both for themselves as men and relationally with the people in their lives.

Below are some values that many submissive men believe they hold, but my mapping exercise invites you to distinguish between the healthy expression and shadow expression and recognize how each shows up in your life and dynamic.

Surface Value - Sacrifice

Shadow Version - Self-erasure

Sovereign Version - Conscious generosity

Which version of this value do you identify with?

How does this value show up in relationship to how you take care of yourself?

How does it show up relationally with other people?

Surface Value - Obedience

Shadow version - Fear of Rejection

Sovereign Version - Intentional cooperation

Which version of this value do you identify with?

How does this value show up in relationship to how you take care of yourself?

How does it show up relationally with other people?

In The Sovereign Code, we do a deep dive into YOUR values and help you map them out relationally.

Submissive men often organize their lives around relational values rather than individual ones. They don’t just ask, “Who am I?” They ask:

• Who am I in service to?

• What kind of relationship do I help create?

• What qualities do I bring into a partnership?

• What kind of man does my submission allow me to become?

These questions are at the root of a submissive man’s identity, and the only one who can answer the questions is the man himself.

What I help you do is strike a healthy balance with your values and your desires. Submission is much more than just kinky sex. It is a relational choice that requires a clear and concise awareness of who you are in relationship and in life.
How your Values support your relationship

One of the reasons that I emphasize values in my work with my clients is because when we have a clear sense of our values, we also have a better sense of our boundaries. We know what we are willing to accept and, more importantly, we also know what we are willing to say no to.

When a man can say no and walk away from a relationship, that man knows that he’s got himself and that he’s got a clear sense of his values. He’s not staying in a relationship from a place of co-dependent desperation or out of a fear of being alone. If he chooses to stay in a relationship, he stays in it because the person he has chosen to be with shares similar values as well as desires. He’s using both desires and values to create a stable foundation for himself, so he can be fully committed to the relationship.

Having a clear sense of your values also creates a happier and healthier life for yourself. Your values are part of your self-care. When you know what you stand for and you have a sense of purpose in your life, it provides you a sense of confidence that can be very appealing. You aren’t being defined by your need to be in a relationship. Instead you’re being seen as a person who has a life outside of the relationship.

This approach to relationships creates genuine love and connection between yourself and the people that you choose to be with. I didn’t always vet people in the past that I would get involved with. I would let my initial desire call the shots without even taking the time to really vet that desire or explore what was causing me to say yes to somebody that might not be a good fit for me. What I learned over time is that desires are multi-faceted. Some desires will be rooted in your shadow and the wounds that you haven’t faced yet. Other desires will be clean and clear because you’ve taken the time to read to learn about what it is you really want and you have situated it within the context of the values of your life.

When you choose to get involved with somebody but you haven’t really taken the time to examine your own desires and understand where they come from, you may end up repeating past patterns of behavior or be trying to heal old wounds through that relationship. That doesn’t serve you or that person. On the other hand when you’ve taken the time to get clear and clean about what really matters to you, you’re bringing that into a potential relationship. It helps you to be a lot more grounded. It shows her that you have figured some things out about yourself and it creates a much more stable foundation for the relationship to flourish.

A lot of what I share here can be applied to any type of relationship but my focus is on female-led relationships. I help men who desire these relationships make informed choices because they’ve taken the time to understand why they want what they, without judging themselves or shaming themselves for wanting it.

A female-led relationship is a natural desire for many men. It can be a very healthy choice. It simply requires that the man actually takes the time to understand what attracts him to this type of relationship so that he’s not repeating old patterns and bringing that into the relationship. In the Sovereign Code Cohort we explore what your values are in relationship to your desires.

This helps you do the inner work and be ready for the relationship. If you’re already in a female-led relationship, the cohort is also going to help you show up better for that relationship because you’re going to have a much more informed awareness of yourself to bring to her. You’ll be able to speak to your values and your desires in a way that shows her that you know yourself and what you want and that you’re not expecting her to automatically fulfill what you want. I help you orient toward her with the level of devotion and commitment that is conscious instead of being an unconscious play-through of your own unmet needs and wounds.

Getting Real with your Sexual Desires: The truth about why you want what you want will set you free

The deeper I go into men’s work, the more I get the opportunity to explore the unexamined areas of my life. Recently I’ve been reading “To Be a Man” by Robert Masters. One of the subjects that he touches on in some depth is around sexuality. In men’s work this is a subject that is typically treated gingerly, even though it’s a subject that really needs to be explored with a lot with transparency, compassion, and presence.

I’ve done a lot of work around my sexuality. I’ve healed a lot of my own sexual wounding. As I’m reading this book I find myself called back to examine some of the work that I’ve already done as well as to continue plunging the depths that are available to me.

I think one of the great unspoken truths for men in general is that we are operating in the shallow end of the pool when it comes to our sexuality and the masculine mysteries. So much of the focus of masculine sexuality is on the penis and whether or not a man is hard. But there’s a lot more to masculine sexuality than just that.

For example, what we end up fantasizing about, what we long to experience sexually, and the way that we experience it can be a really powerful component that is worth exploring. The pornography that a man watches (if he watches pornography) can also be a really fascinating flashpoint that shows what it is he needs to get real with in regards to his sexual fantasies and his sexual wounding.

What you watch is where your wound is

Most, if not all, men have watched pornography at some point in their lives. It has become such a prevalent aspect of masculinity, in no small part because the focus is on seeking release and relief from the inner sexual pressure that occurs but also the performative pressure that is put on men in terms of how they show up in the world.

The porn that I used to watch involve being seduced by a stepmom or a MILF or an older woman. Even as a teenager I found myself deeply fascinated with and intrigued by older women and most of the relationships that I got involved in early on were with women who were 10 to 15 years older than me. What I didn’t realize is that I was acting out through my sexual desires the deep inner wounds that I had around my early childhood experiences. This is the kind of topic that most men won’t touch on or explore, partially because they feel shame and embarrassment around the desires that they felt and partially because to do so means bringing into the light the very thing that they haven’t been willing to face within themselves.

My particular fantasies were a result of experiencing rejection as a kid with my Stepmom. I saw that she loved her own kids differently than she loved me. In some part of me was always trying to get that love and approval that I had not experienced with her. I didn’t realize that in a conscious way but the inner boy within me was definitely calling the shots when it came to my sexual desires. He was trying to get the healing through sex and the validation and the approval. Of course he was me. I was the person trying to get the validation and the approval.

I want you to think about your own sexual proclivities for a few moments. What is it that you fantasize about? What have you watched, if you’ve watched pornography? What have the themes been? Those themes play a significant role in your own life. On the surface level, they seem to be purely oriented around what you desire, but they are really a reflection of the deep inner wounding that you haven’t fully addressed or dealt with.

You’re strong enough to lead and wise enough to follow her

This is a cohort for men who desire or are in Female Led Relationships, but feel like something isn’t lining up.

You show more devotion and she pulls back.

You’re ready to show your service and she rebuffs you.

You say you want her leadership, but something within you resists.

You can try to solve this on your own or you can get the support you need, from men who are on the same journey as you.

I want to learn more

Are your aroused or just faking it?

We don’t talk about this aspect of sexual fantasies or pornography. Yet it is something that men grapple with all the time. The lack of willingness to really sit and explore what the actual underlying issue is, is part of what keeps that pornography addiction so prevalent and creates the dysfunctional connection with masculine sexuality that men have. It leads to under-fucked men and women. It leads to a deeper sense of dissatisfaction and disconnection in your relationship.

I want you to think about the last time that you masturbated to pornography. What did you feel when you started to masturbate? What was at the root of your charge? Were you doing it because you genuinely wanted to experience pleasure or were you doing it to numb yourself out? Were you doing it as a way to escape boredom in the moment or were you doing it as a way to connect with yourself and with your desires?

Chances are that most of you will end up answering that you are numbing yourself or that you were disconnecting from your desires or that you were seeking that release because it felt like a way to deal with whatever stress or anxiety or pressure was in your life. You’re not alone because when I look at my own history with my sexuality, more often than not I can safely say that I have had sex or I’ve masturbated or I’ve used pornography as a way to get some release from the stress and anxiety of the moment or numb myself out in the face of whatever situation I was dealing with or try to salve that inner wound that I hadn’t really addressed or dealt with.

It’s easy to mistake arousal in the moment for genuine sexual desire and satisfaction when, if anything, it’s often an escape from the specific moment that you’re in. This is the challenge that faces so many men because when you’re checking out with your masturbation, chances are you’re also checking out when you’re having sex. She can feel it. She knows that you’re checked out. She knows that you’re somewhere else. She knows, most importantly, that you’re not with her.

There’s no way you can be with her as long as your sexual shadow is calling the shots. The inner wounded boy is calling out for attention. Your sexual desires may be very real and bring you lots of enjoyment but until you get clear about his role in those desires, it will continue to overshadow every experience that you have in a way that actually takes you out of the experience and away from her.

In the Sovereign Code Cohort one of the foundational principles that we explore is your relationship with your own sexuality: this isn’t just a matter of saying “I want a female-led relationship” or that “I desire kinky sex.” It’s a matter of getting really clear on what’s underneath that want and why it’s there.

Here’s the fascinating truth: as soon as you get clear on the shadow of your own sexual desires, what ends up happening is that you are able to be far more present with her and with yourself. Your shadow is no longer calling the shots. Your shadow is no longer telling you that it wants things a certain way. Instead you’re actually able to start being present with her and with yourself. This is when both of you start to become well fucked because you actually are truly being present with each other instead of being disconnected.

And this isn’t work that you can do alone. This is work where you need to be held in a container, supported by other men who are doing the same work. That’s one of the reasons I’ve put together the Sovereign Code cohort. What we’re ultimately doing is creating a code of behavior that allows you to fully step into your sovereignty.

You have the strength to lead and you have the wisdom to kneel. What you need is the support that will help you get there and that’s what this cohort is for. We’re going to explore, among other topics, your relationship with your sexual desires. We are going to explore how your sexual shadows show up in your desires and we’re going to transmute them through the sexual alchemy of coming clean about what is really at the heart of your desire.

I want to help you heal that wounded child who’s calling the shots so that way you can truly step into a sexual experience, knowing that you are bringing your full self instead of being distracted by the little boy who is trying to get approval or validation or some other form of acknowledgement from her or from the porn that you’ve been watching.

Join me in the Sovereign Code Cohort

You’re strong enough to lead and wise enough to follow her

This is a cohort for men who desire or are in Female Led Relationships, but feel like something isn’t lining up.

You show more devotion and she pulls back.

You’re ready to show your service and she rebuffs you.

You say you want her leadership, but something within you resists.

You can try to solve this on your own or you can get the support you need, from men who are on the same journey as you.

I want to learn more

What you're getting wrong about being in a Female Led Relationship

In this no holds barred episode I get real about what you are getting wrong about being in a female led relationship. In this show I take a contrarian approach to submissive dynamics and FLR’s that will either have you saying ah-ha or running away in denial.

Among other points I discuss:

• What men secretly long for that they aren’t being honest about with themselves or her (It’s not what YOU think it is)

• Why she says she wants a man who leads, but what she really wants (It’s not what YOU think it is)

• Why most relationships are really FLR’s in an unconscious way (you need to name it for what it is)

These are just a few gems of insight in this episode. Watch the full episode and discover what you’re getting wrong in an FLR, and why it’s costing you the relationship you want.

Passion Presence and Relationship with The Language of Orgasm

Most people think that passion fades away after you've been in a relationship for a couple of years. They get settled into the comfort of the Passion Trap, and associate passion with spontaneity in the moment…but in this contrarian interview with The Language of Orgasm we explore the intersection of Passion, Presence and Purpose and share how to sustain passion for the long run.

In this interview we:

• Debunk the myth of spontaneity and passion.

• Explore why scheduling creates better connection and intimacy

• Discover how purpose creates the intersection of passion and presence.

• Learn why curiosity creates the passionate connection.

• Discuss why submissive men can be great lovers and embody the masculine

• Explore the leadership of a Female Led Relationship and what it brings to the people in the relationship

Whether your relationship is feeling stale or you want to become a better lover, this episode is for you.

Conscious Rituals vs Unconscious Habits

I kneel to her every day. Each day I kneel I spend at least a couple of moments thinking about the act of kneeling and what it means to me.

Why am I kneeling to this person? What am I giving to her and myself through the act of kneeling? What does my kneeling mean to me and to her?

I can’t know for sure what my kneeling means to her, other than if she chooses to say something about it to me. I can say what it means to me AND I can also say I spend each day thinking about what it means because I never want to kneel from unconscious habit. When it becomes an unconscious habit, I feel like it takes something essential from the act, whereas when the kneeling is considered, there is a level of surrender embodied through that act of surrender.

Whether you’re currently in a female or woman led relationship, or you want to be in one, I want you to think for a moment about your own choices when it comes to deferring to her leadership and showing respect to your role and hers in the relationship.

The Guide for Men who want to be in a Female Led Relationship

You want to submit to her.

You want to surrender control and be led by her.

But she pulls back and gets cold and withdrawn.

Find out why and what to do in The Sovereign Submission Relationship Guide

You've made a choice to submit to her.

You've made a choice to honor and acknowledge her leadership and that choice has meaning and significance right up until it doesn't. It stops having meaning and significance when it starts to be a choice that you've taken for granted.

Reflect for a moment on this idea. When was the last time that you really sat consciously with your choice around kneeling or some other activity that you do that shows your place and shows her that you respect and honor her role in your life as the leader of the relationship?

This isn’t an idle question to ask. It is something to really sit with, because if there’s one thing I’ve observed about myself and people in general, it’s this: It’s very easy to slide into unexamined and unconscious habit. It comes at a cost, though. What is unconscious takes on a life of its own, and it can be the breeding ground of resentment.

Take out your journal. We’re going to do an exercise.

Write out all the activities that you do to show your devotion to her leadership. These activities can take many forms. It could be kneeling, household chores or something else altogether. Whatever the activities are, I want you to write them out and then reflect on them.

What awareness are you bringing to these activities?

What is meaningful about these activities as they apply to your relationship?

Do any of these activities feel more like unconscious habits that you’ve taken on?

Answer these questions honestly. And then spend the next week answering these questions again as you go about your day. At the end of the week, review your answers.

What patterns do you notice?

What changes, if anything, occurred with those patterns as you journaled for a week?

This exercise isn’t a one day event. The reason I want you to document your activities is because even for one week something will change and that change will reveal a lot to you about how you do or don’t show up in the relationship.

The Role of Intention in your Dynamic

In my magical practice, intention is a cornerstone of every spell and working that I do. Without intention a spell is just some rehearsed actions and words that fall flat into the world. The intention is the conscious spark that drives the spell and brings purpose to the words and actions.

Intention also matters in your relationship. Whether you are in a vanilla or kinky Woman Led Relationship, the intention both (or more) partners bring to the relationship shapes and sculpts what the relationship is and what it means to each of you. She provides the leadership, but you provide something just as essential: Your willingness to receive her leadership and turn it into actions on your end that support the direction the relationship is going.

The truth of any power exchange dynamic is this: It takes each person’s conscious involvement and purposeful awareness to make the power exchange dynamic a reality. The moment a person pulls back or balks is the moment the dynamic is stopped. When this happens it’s not often apparent on the surface. Where you can find the resistance is in the unconscious habits you take on because in the performance of the habit is everything that has been left unsaid and unexamined.

In one relationship I was in, I came to awareness around my unconscious habits one day when I took the time to observe everything I did in relationship to the other person. What was eye opening for me was the behaviors that I labeled as manipulative or mean on my part. On the surface level, I wouldn’t have labeled it that way. On the deeper level, when I really examined my motivations and pulled the shadow into the light, I found myself squirming with discomfort as I saw how petty I could be and how it hurt myself and the people I was with.

What you bring to a relationship matters. In the early stages, in the dopamine rush of new relationship energy, it’s easy for people to overlook the red flags, but as you get to know someone, your red flags and that person’s red flags will become more visible to each other.

At the heart of ANY relationship, regardless of what dynamics are involved, is a question: “Can we be okay together, through a rough time?” The conscious awareness you bring to your choices will tell you the answer to the question from your side of the relationship. If you are in a woman led relationship it will also speak to your willingness to fully be led by her in the relationship.