Passion Presence and Relationship with The Language of Orgasm

Most people think that passion fades away after you've been in a relationship for a couple of years. They get settled into the comfort of the Passion Trap, and associate passion with spontaneity in the moment…but in this contrarian interview with The Language of Orgasm we explore the intersection of Passion, Presence and Purpose and share how to sustain passion for the long run.

In this interview we:

• Debunk the myth of spontaneity and passion.

• Explore why scheduling creates better connection and intimacy

• Discover how purpose creates the intersection of passion and presence.

• Learn why curiosity creates the passionate connection.

• Discuss why submissive men can be great lovers and embody the masculine

• Explore the leadership of a Female Led Relationship and what it brings to the people in the relationship

Whether your relationship is feeling stale or you want to become a better lover, this episode is for you.

Conscious Rituals vs Unconscious Habits

I kneel to her every day. Each day I kneel I spend at least a couple of moments thinking about the act of kneeling and what it means to me.

Why am I kneeling to this person? What am I giving to her and myself through the act of kneeling? What does my kneeling mean to me and to her?

I can’t know for sure what my kneeling means to her, other than if she chooses to say something about it to me. I can say what it means to me AND I can also say I spend each day thinking about what it means because I never want to kneel from unconscious habit. When it becomes an unconscious habit, I feel like it takes something essential from the act, whereas when the kneeling is considered, there is a level of surrender embodied through that act of surrender.

Whether you’re currently in a female or woman led relationship, or you want to be in one, I want you to think for a moment about your own choices when it comes to deferring to her leadership and showing respect to your role and hers in the relationship.

The Guide for Men who want to be in a Female Led Relationship

You want to submit to her.

You want to surrender control and be led by her.

But she pulls back and gets cold and withdrawn.

Find out why and what to do in The Sovereign Submission Relationship Guide

You've made a choice to submit to her.

You've made a choice to honor and acknowledge her leadership and that choice has meaning and significance right up until it doesn't. It stops having meaning and significance when it starts to be a choice that you've taken for granted.

Reflect for a moment on this idea. When was the last time that you really sat consciously with your choice around kneeling or some other activity that you do that shows your place and shows her that you respect and honor her role in your life as the leader of the relationship?

This isn’t an idle question to ask. It is something to really sit with, because if there’s one thing I’ve observed about myself and people in general, it’s this: It’s very easy to slide into unexamined and unconscious habit. It comes at a cost, though. What is unconscious takes on a life of its own, and it can be the breeding ground of resentment.

Take out your journal. We’re going to do an exercise.

Write out all the activities that you do to show your devotion to her leadership. These activities can take many forms. It could be kneeling, household chores or something else altogether. Whatever the activities are, I want you to write them out and then reflect on them.

What awareness are you bringing to these activities?

What is meaningful about these activities as they apply to your relationship?

Do any of these activities feel more like unconscious habits that you’ve taken on?

Answer these questions honestly. And then spend the next week answering these questions again as you go about your day. At the end of the week, review your answers.

What patterns do you notice?

What changes, if anything, occurred with those patterns as you journaled for a week?

This exercise isn’t a one day event. The reason I want you to document your activities is because even for one week something will change and that change will reveal a lot to you about how you do or don’t show up in the relationship.

The Role of Intention in your Dynamic

In my magical practice, intention is a cornerstone of every spell and working that I do. Without intention a spell is just some rehearsed actions and words that fall flat into the world. The intention is the conscious spark that drives the spell and brings purpose to the words and actions.

Intention also matters in your relationship. Whether you are in a vanilla or kinky Woman Led Relationship, the intention both (or more) partners bring to the relationship shapes and sculpts what the relationship is and what it means to each of you. She provides the leadership, but you provide something just as essential: Your willingness to receive her leadership and turn it into actions on your end that support the direction the relationship is going.

The truth of any power exchange dynamic is this: It takes each person’s conscious involvement and purposeful awareness to make the power exchange dynamic a reality. The moment a person pulls back or balks is the moment the dynamic is stopped. When this happens it’s not often apparent on the surface. Where you can find the resistance is in the unconscious habits you take on because in the performance of the habit is everything that has been left unsaid and unexamined.

In one relationship I was in, I came to awareness around my unconscious habits one day when I took the time to observe everything I did in relationship to the other person. What was eye opening for me was the behaviors that I labeled as manipulative or mean on my part. On the surface level, I wouldn’t have labeled it that way. On the deeper level, when I really examined my motivations and pulled the shadow into the light, I found myself squirming with discomfort as I saw how petty I could be and how it hurt myself and the people I was with.

What you bring to a relationship matters. In the early stages, in the dopamine rush of new relationship energy, it’s easy for people to overlook the red flags, but as you get to know someone, your red flags and that person’s red flags will become more visible to each other.

At the heart of ANY relationship, regardless of what dynamics are involved, is a question: “Can we be okay together, through a rough time?” The conscious awareness you bring to your choices will tell you the answer to the question from your side of the relationship. If you are in a woman led relationship it will also speak to your willingness to fully be led by her in the relationship.

An ode to the soft cock - Your relationship with your softness speaks to your relationship with your masculinity

The relationship you have with your cock is the relationship you have with your masculinity. Some people equate that to fucking and sex, but I think it’s a lot more nuanced than just one activity, especially given that many men don’t take the time to get comfortable with their cocks, in all of its transformations. For the most part, men are taught to simultaneously distrust their cocks, while also valuing how hard and long they can get (or shamed if their cock isn’t a certain size and hardness).

I find myself adjusting my cock every day at some point. No one ever talks about that, but having an organ that dangles between your legs can be awkward sometimes, especially when said organ suddenly gets hard or the balls need to be moved so you can sit more comfortably.

For a long time, my relationship with my cock was ambivalent. Its softness was intimidating. I wanted it to get hard when I wanted it to be hard and to otherwise be invisible the rest of the time. That never worked. Putting pressure on myself to get hard on command never worked. And I later learned there was wisdom in that decision, because if my cock wasn’t getting hard, it was signaling a few different possibilities:

• I wasn’t attracted to the person.

• My body sensed that the person might not be feeling well.

• I might not be feeling well or in the mood.

I was always trying to be ready, but it created a dysfunctional relationship with my own sexuality and biological rhythms. It also created an experience of feeling rushed when it came to sex. If I got hard, it felt like the most important thing was to do something with that hardness instead of relaxing into the journey of intimacy I was already on.

Sometimes, I would put pressure on myself to get hard. Other times, it would be the person I was with, wondering if something was wrong or if I wasn’t attracted to her. I felt an invisible pressure to be ready so I could prove I desired her. I didn’t realize how much pressure was there until I went on a journey to change my relationship with my masculinity.

I Chose not to be a Father: Why I decided to be child free

It’s Father’s Day, and on this day I’m thinking of my deceased father and also the choice I made when I was thirty to get a vasectomy. I grew up knowing I didn’t want to have kids. I was heavily influenced by my dad and his poor parenting, but also by recognizing that I was a lot like him, personality-wise. I didn’t want to continue the cycle of trauma that I’d grown up with on another generation. I also didn’t have the patience or desire to have kids.

In the Men’s Work world, fatherhood is held up as a pinnacle to aspire to. I see a lot of men trying to be very conscious dads, and I think it’s a very needed experience. But the idea of being a father turned me off. Being a father certainly ought to require a desire to be a dad, but it’s very easy to become a dad, whether you want to or not. I think a lot of men become dads without really planning on it and then it becomes fatherhood by reaction. Even if that isn’t the case and you’ve chosen to become a dad, what you have really done is signed on for the role of a lifetime and the responsibility that comes with it.

My dad never wanted to be a dad. One time, somewhat drunkenly, he confessed that he’d never wanted to have kids. I admittedly felt a bit stung by that admission, but as I considered his statement later on, it made a lot of sense. My dad loved his freedom and wanted to live his life, his way. Most of the time he did just that, regardless how it impacted other people. I saw that in him and I see it in me. The difference is, I made a deliberate choice not to have kids, because I recognized that I didn’t want to be in that role or have the responsibility that comes with fatherhood.

The power of conscious choice around parenthood

There is real power and presence in making a deliberate choice around parenthood. I don’t think this choice is talked about nearly enough, but the decision to have kids, once it is made, is conclusive: You’ve made the choice to bring another living being into the world and you have a responsibility to take care of that being.

A mentor once said that it was enough that my father brought me into the world. I’m alive because he fed me, clothed me and did what he had to do to pay the bills. There’s some truth to that statement, but there’s a lot of nuance that is missed as well. The same man who brought me into the world regularly told me I was a disappointment. He beat me, he ignored me, he put up with me. He did not really want the responsibility of being a father. This came out in multiple ways over the years, and I think if there is one lesson I truly learned from him it was this: Don’t be something you don’t really want to be.

I chose not to be a father because of those experiences, but also because of something else: My creativity.

Procreation is a creative act. Being a father also requires a lot of creativity. I recognize there are many men who are fathers, who are also creatives, but I didn’t want to give away one ounce of my creativity to anything other than the writing and art I was creating. Does that make me selfish or simply self-aware enough to recognize my priorities and honor them?

The Guide for Men who want to be in a Female Led Relationship

You want to submit to her.

You want to surrender control and be led by her.

But she pulls back and gets cold and withdrawn.

Find out why and what to do in The Sovereign Submission Relationship Guide

I got a Vasectomy at Thirty

I didn’t want kids. The woman I was married to at the time didn’t want kids either. I was in an open relationship and I didn’t want the possibility of ever having a kid enter into the equation. I also felt it was important that I get the vasectomy, both for my own empowerment as a man and because it was an easier operation for me, than asking a woman to go through the more invasive version. I’ve never regretted that decision and even now at 49 I look back and I thank myself for making that choice.

I have a lot more time in my life for the creative projects I want to focus on. I have a lot more time for the experiences that matter. More importantly, I don’t feel resentment toward myself or the kids I chose not to have. I haven’t perpetuated the same behaviors and patterns I grew up with. Maybe I wouldn’t have anyway. My brother chose to have kids and became a great father, motivated in part by NOT making the same choices that my dad made. But I made my own choice and I made it deliberately, with great awareness that I wasn’t going to pass on my genes or have kids or deal with all the realities of parenthood that occur when you take on having kids.

Have I missed out?

I don’t think so. I’m sure well-meaning parents could come to this article and leave comments trying to convince me otherwise, but what would the point be? I chose my journey and I’m not writing this article to say that my journey is the one you ought to take or to say that being a parent is bad. I’m writing this article to share a different perspective on parenthood, and why making a conscious choice around parenthood is so important. My dad had kids and he didn’t want them. Or maybe he did want them, but didn’t consider the full level of responsibility that came with being a father. I don’t know what he would say and I can’t ask him anymore. He served as an example to me, about how important it was to be clear on whether or not I really wanted to be a dad and have kids.

Getting a vasectomy was also a choice of responsibility. I took responsibility for my choice to not have kids by getting it. I also made the choice so that whoever I was with didn’t have to get a more invasive surgery to accomplish the same outcome or take medicine with side effects. I don’t think either of those experiences are recognized in men’s spaces as much as they ought to be. Getting a vasectomy was never just about my personal freedom from parenthood. It was making a choice to be responsible with the decision to not have kids and actually follow through on it.

I will never be a father. As I get older, I occasionally think about that choice. Today, this day that celebrates fathers, I am celebrating my choice NOT to be a father and sharing it as a path that isn’t often spoken about or acknowledged, but is nonetheless a valid choice for a man to make. If you make that choice, take the responsible action and get a vasectomy.

When you’re ready to Step into Sovereignty, here are ways we can work together:

The Crucible - A one time 90-minute session- Perfect for helping you find the decisive confidence you need to take action.

I'm ready to enter the crucible

The Initiation - 12 session packages where I guide you into your sovereign expression of your desires and we create the foundation and code that supports your submission to her.

Private Retreats & Intensives - Personalized immersive experiences crafted around your exact moment and desired transformation.

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The Medicine Wisdom of your Cock

I remember the first time my cock got hard, vividly. I woke up from a dream and I felt something different. I was hard and it was a bit terrifying and also magical. My relationship with my penis changed from that moment. It went from being more than just that dangly bit that hung between my legs and that I used to urinate to being a source of mystery, pleasure and confusion.

Suddenly, I would find that my cock got hard at random times and sometimes at the most inconvenient moments. I learned to adjust it more and to sometimes think boring thoughts and other times, when I was alone, I would enjoy touching my cock and exploring the range of sensations and experiences that could occur as I touched it.

My early explorations of my cock also coincided with my early explorations of practical magic1. As I discovered my cock, I also discovered magic and in the process found a way to marry my sexual energy and desire to my magical workings. I also tied all of this together into my emerging relationship as a man as I navigated the realities of puberty and figuring out who I was supposed as a man, both with myself and other people.

I knew there was power in my cock. Even the poorly taught sex ed classes made that clear. I could impregnate someone if I wasn’t careful. I knew I didn’t want kids and I also knew I was virile. It was a heady experience to sit with (pun intended). And as a young magician, I also recognized the power of sex and how it could transform a person’s life. It was clear to me that there were many possibilities available to explore around sex, and most people only focused on sex for enjoyment and/or procreation because that’s all they knew.

My first lover was a witch around my age who’d learned a bit about Tantra from her mother. We didn’t have sex right away. We instinctively both know that the act was worth waiting for, but we built up to it and one day we just knew and we had sex. I was a virgin, but she was not. My first few sexual experiences had all the awkwardness that everyone’s initial forays into sex have and yet it also felt like an initiation.

It was an initiation into pleasure and power and being young occultists, we quickly began exploring the magical applications of sex, to manifest results. What I quickly realized is that my cock was a magical wand and that her pussy was a portal to the realm of the imaginal. We could help each other access the latent possibilities within us and use sex as the medium to manifest results into the world.

We eventually broke up and went our separate ways, as happens with young lovers, but my initiation into sex magic was just beginning and with it also came the exploration of the mysteries of my cock as a magical wand and a medicine rod for transformation and healing work.