The deeper I go into men’s work, the more I get the opportunity to explore the unexamined areas of my life. Recently I’ve been reading “To Be a Man” by Robert Masters. One of the subjects that he touches on in some depth is around sexuality. In men’s work this is a subject that is typically treated gingerly, even though it’s a subject that really needs to be explored with a lot with transparency, compassion, and presence.
I’ve done a lot of work around my sexuality. I’ve healed a lot of my own sexual wounding. As I’m reading this book I find myself called back to examine some of the work that I’ve already done as well as to continue plunging the depths that are available to me.
I think one of the great unspoken truths for men in general is that we are operating in the shallow end of the pool when it comes to our sexuality and the masculine mysteries. So much of the focus of masculine sexuality is on the penis and whether or not a man is hard. But there’s a lot more to masculine sexuality than just that.
For example, what we end up fantasizing about, what we long to experience sexually, and the way that we experience it can be a really powerful component that is worth exploring. The pornography that a man watches (if he watches pornography) can also be a really fascinating flashpoint that shows what it is he needs to get real with in regards to his sexual fantasies and his sexual wounding.
What you watch is where your wound is
Most, if not all, men have watched pornography at some point in their lives. It has become such a prevalent aspect of masculinity, in no small part because the focus is on seeking release and relief from the inner sexual pressure that occurs but also the performative pressure that is put on men in terms of how they show up in the world.
The porn that I used to watch involve being seduced by a stepmom or a MILF or an older woman. Even as a teenager I found myself deeply fascinated with and intrigued by older women and most of the relationships that I got involved in early on were with women who were 10 to 15 years older than me. What I didn’t realize is that I was acting out through my sexual desires the deep inner wounds that I had around my early childhood experiences. This is the kind of topic that most men won’t touch on or explore, partially because they feel shame and embarrassment around the desires that they felt and partially because to do so means bringing into the light the very thing that they haven’t been willing to face within themselves.
My particular fantasies were a result of experiencing rejection as a kid with my Stepmom. I saw that she loved her own kids differently than she loved me. In some part of me was always trying to get that love and approval that I had not experienced with her. I didn’t realize that in a conscious way but the inner boy within me was definitely calling the shots when it came to my sexual desires. He was trying to get the healing through sex and the validation and the approval. Of course he was me. I was the person trying to get the validation and the approval.
I want you to think about your own sexual proclivities for a few moments. What is it that you fantasize about? What have you watched, if you’ve watched pornography? What have the themes been? Those themes play a significant role in your own life. On the surface level, they seem to be purely oriented around what you desire, but they are really a reflection of the deep inner wounding that you haven’t fully addressed or dealt with.
You’re strong enough to lead and wise enough to follow her
This is a cohort for men who desire or are in Female Led Relationships, but feel like something isn’t lining up.
You show more devotion and she pulls back.
You’re ready to show your service and she rebuffs you.
You say you want her leadership, but something within you resists.
You can try to solve this on your own or you can get the support you need, from men who are on the same journey as you.
Are your aroused or just faking it?
We don’t talk about this aspect of sexual fantasies or pornography. Yet it is something that men grapple with all the time. The lack of willingness to really sit and explore what the actual underlying issue is, is part of what keeps that pornography addiction so prevalent and creates the dysfunctional connection with masculine sexuality that men have. It leads to under-fucked men and women. It leads to a deeper sense of dissatisfaction and disconnection in your relationship.
I want you to think about the last time that you masturbated to pornography. What did you feel when you started to masturbate? What was at the root of your charge? Were you doing it because you genuinely wanted to experience pleasure or were you doing it to numb yourself out? Were you doing it as a way to escape boredom in the moment or were you doing it as a way to connect with yourself and with your desires?
Chances are that most of you will end up answering that you are numbing yourself or that you were disconnecting from your desires or that you were seeking that release because it felt like a way to deal with whatever stress or anxiety or pressure was in your life. You’re not alone because when I look at my own history with my sexuality, more often than not I can safely say that I have had sex or I’ve masturbated or I’ve used pornography as a way to get some release from the stress and anxiety of the moment or numb myself out in the face of whatever situation I was dealing with or try to salve that inner wound that I hadn’t really addressed or dealt with.
It’s easy to mistake arousal in the moment for genuine sexual desire and satisfaction when, if anything, it’s often an escape from the specific moment that you’re in. This is the challenge that faces so many men because when you’re checking out with your masturbation, chances are you’re also checking out when you’re having sex. She can feel it. She knows that you’re checked out. She knows that you’re somewhere else. She knows, most importantly, that you’re not with her.
There’s no way you can be with her as long as your sexual shadow is calling the shots. The inner wounded boy is calling out for attention. Your sexual desires may be very real and bring you lots of enjoyment but until you get clear about his role in those desires, it will continue to overshadow every experience that you have in a way that actually takes you out of the experience and away from her.
In the Sovereign Code Cohort one of the foundational principles that we explore is your relationship with your own sexuality: this isn’t just a matter of saying “I want a female-led relationship” or that “I desire kinky sex.” It’s a matter of getting really clear on what’s underneath that want and why it’s there.
Here’s the fascinating truth: as soon as you get clear on the shadow of your own sexual desires, what ends up happening is that you are able to be far more present with her and with yourself. Your shadow is no longer calling the shots. Your shadow is no longer telling you that it wants things a certain way. Instead you’re actually able to start being present with her and with yourself. This is when both of you start to become well fucked because you actually are truly being present with each other instead of being disconnected.
And this isn’t work that you can do alone. This is work where you need to be held in a container, supported by other men who are doing the same work. That’s one of the reasons I’ve put together the Sovereign Code cohort. What we’re ultimately doing is creating a code of behavior that allows you to fully step into your sovereignty.
You have the strength to lead and you have the wisdom to kneel. What you need is the support that will help you get there and that’s what this cohort is for. We’re going to explore, among other topics, your relationship with your sexual desires. We are going to explore how your sexual shadows show up in your desires and we’re going to transmute them through the sexual alchemy of coming clean about what is really at the heart of your desire.
I want to help you heal that wounded child who’s calling the shots so that way you can truly step into a sexual experience, knowing that you are bringing your full self instead of being distracted by the little boy who is trying to get approval or validation or some other form of acknowledgement from her or from the porn that you’ve been watching.
Join me in the Sovereign Code Cohort
You’re strong enough to lead and wise enough to follow her
This is a cohort for men who desire or are in Female Led Relationships, but feel like something isn’t lining up.
You show more devotion and she pulls back.
You’re ready to show your service and she rebuffs you.
You say you want her leadership, but something within you resists.
You can try to solve this on your own or you can get the support you need, from men who are on the same journey as you.
