I used to think that being responsible meant paying your bills on time and having the basic necessities of life figured out. That’s one level of responsibility, and an important one to learn, but it’s not the only level of responsibility. I came to intimately realize this when I went away to a weekend men’s work experience where among other lessons was one on accountability.
I stood up in front of a room full of men and shared the burden I had been carrying about the choices I made in my life. I was asked by the man facilitating me to be accountable for my choices, not just to myself, but to the other people my actions impacted. What he asked me to do brought me face to face with the full consequences of my choices, not just for myself, but for other people. It was a life changing moment.
Taking accountability for my choices was the first step on the road to being truly responsible for my choices in life. It wasn’t an easy road to walk, but it has made me into a better man and person. One of my next steps happened through a class I was taking. In the class, the teacher made the point none of us were victims of circumstances. We had made choices and were responsible for those choices. If we weren’t happy with those choices, we had responsibility for that lack of happiness in our lives.
Many people might read this and think it’s radical to take so much responsibility for one’s life. I personally find it liberating. At any given moment of the day, I can pause and reflect that the circumstances I find myself in are for the most part self-chosen. I don’t control everything around me, but I do have control over thing: How I choose to respond in my life.
The root words behind responsibility teach us what it really is
When you look at the word responsibility and break it down you have two words: Response and ability. Or to reframe it, you have the ability to respond. Take a moment and really take that in. You have the ability to respond. It’s quite powerful!
Many people react and place that power in the hands of whatever they are reacting to. And yet at any given moment you could take that power back by simply choosing to respond instead of react. Many people will never do this because it is much more comfortable to react than it is to respond. For a long time, I was one of those people, at least a good part of the time. I took responsibility sometimes, but I also reacted a lot, and let my reactions call the shots.
And it wasn’t just my reactions. I let my feelings and desires also call the shots. I made some impulsive choices in the moment and the reason was that I didn’t have something essential. I didn’t have a clear sense of values that I could draw on. I realize how awful that might sound, but I don’t think I’m alone in this experience. I don’t make any excuses for it either. I grew up a certain way, learned certain skills for surviving and that became the way I operated for a long time. I used it to justify a lot of choices I made.
I had moments of insights and glimmers of realization but it really took hitting bottom, multiple times, for me to recognize that the way I was living my life wasn’t working. I wasn’t taking responsibility for my choices and I wasn’t always thinking about the choices I was making. I was living life on cruise control, but I wasn’t steering the car very well.
What taking Responsibility Really Meant
Getting into men’s work was when my life started to turn around. I took responsibility for the fact that I wasn’t happy with my life or with myself. I didn’t like myself very much. In fact, I downright loathed myself. I felt empty on the inside, and even though I had done a lot of meditation and inner work, I didn’t feel like any of it was really moving the needle. I was going through the motions of changing my life, but still ending up in the same exact space I had been in before.
Something needed to change and it became clear to me that a significant part of the change was my relationship with myself as a man, as well as how I related to other men. I didn’t have a lot of male friends. I didn’t know how to relate to other men. I just knew I distrusted them. But to be honest, I didn’t trust myself either.
My lack of trust in myself had led me to make questionable choices in my life. I realized the only way I could really begin to change my relationship with anyone else was by first changing my relationship with myself. I also knew that I couldn’t do that on my own. I still needed to be in relationship with other people. Instead of putting all this on a romantic relationship, which would have been unfair to the person that I would have gotten involved with, I started really focusing in on developing relationships with other men. By taking responsibility for the relationship I had with other men, I also took responsibility for the relationship I had with myself.
As I changed my relationship with other men, I began changing the relationship I had with myself and it helped me see some patterns in my life I hadn’t acknowledged or recognized. I had displaced my own responsibility onto the relationship I had with the women in my life. I had unconsciously looked to them to heal my issues, salve my pain, and otherwise take care of me. I began to recognize how much stress I had placed on the relationships I had been in. The more ownership I took of my relationships with myself and others, the more I was able to change how I showed up in those relationships.
How this applies to Female Led Relationships
In a female led relationship, the woman is the leader of the relationship. A man who is in this type of relationship may be tempted to abdicate his responsibility in the relationship. She’s in charge, so she calls the shots. However, this doesn’t release you from taking responsibility. If anything, being in this relationship requires you to take even more responsibility.
You’re taking on the responsibility of dismantling everything you’ve learned about being a man in a relationship and offering that up through your submission. You are also taking on the responsibility of submission to her and trusting her leadership. Another part of your responsibility is what I’ve been speaking to in this article: You need to take responsibility for your self care and well-being instead of putting it on her.
When I talk about self care and well-being, I’m not just talking about going to the gym and staying fit. That can be an important component of physical self-care and that’s often where men stop. Self-care goes far beyond that though. It includes:
Learning good self care habits for how you nourish yourself.
Getting rid of addictive habits such as smoking and alcohol and porn, while also identifying why you have chosen those habits.
Learning emotional wellness and connection with the support of other men.
Connecting with your sexuality from a place of curiosity, desire and creativity instead of from a place of trying to numb yourself.
The better you are at taking care of yourself, the better you can be in any relationship you are in.
A Practical Exercise for Taking Responsibility as a Submissive Man
Responsibility is different from compliance. A submissive man who truly wants to embrace responsibility as a core virtue needs to understand the difference.
Many men equate responsibility with compliance.
This is probably the most common pattern that shows up in Female Led Relationships. The internal logic is:
“If I do exactly what she wants, I’m being responsible.”
But compliance is only one expression of responsibility. A sovereign submissive version of responsibility is:
“I take responsibility for carrying out what we’ve agreed to, while remaining aware, communicative, and accountable.”
The difference is subtle but significant. One is passive execution; the other is active participation. Passive execution will only get you so far and at some point it will make the dynamic less powerful. Active participation shows that you are fully embracing your role in the relationship and the responsibility that comes with being a man whose submission to her leadership she can trust.
Responsibility is often externalized.
Many submissive men unconsciously believe:
She is responsible for leading.
She is responsible for making decisions.
She is responsible for maintaining the relationship.
She is responsible for correcting me.
This places an invisible emotional workload on the dominant partner.
In healthy dynamics, leadership does not eliminate shared responsibility. Different responsibilities can coexist without one partner becoming responsible for everything. She also needs to know that you can be a grown ass man that she doesn’t have to parent. If she has to parent you, that will kill the dynamic.
Take a moment and evaluate how you are applying these levels of responsibility to your life and dynamic. Be honest with yourself and her about what you think is working as well as what could be better.
There are additional layers of responsibility that we’re going to explore in the Sovereign Code Cohort, which includes:
Taking responsibility for your emotional well-being and communication
The difference between self-sacrifice and responsibility.
The predictable consistency that tells she can trust you and creates the intimacy and openness you want.
We’ll cover all of this in the Sovereign Code Cohort, starting August 20th.
A lot of men try to tackle all of this on their own and they don’t get very far. What they really need is a support network of other men who can identify with and appreciate the challenges they face and hold each man accountable, even as each man holds himself responsible. The benefits of having a support group of men is you aren’t putting all of this work onto yourself or your romantic relationship. You get to be witnessed by other men and supported because they are also doing the same work.
Men who are in Female Led Relationships have their own unique challenge because they are choosing a relationship that goes against the societal norms about relationships. This is one reason I have put together the Sovereign Code Cohort, for men who choose to be in a Female Led Relationship (or want to be in one) to have a supportive space with other men who have the same desire.
We can put aside the narrative that so many men are told…that men need to lead and be dominant in the relationship and instead embrace out own desires, while also being held accountable to living our values so we can take responsibility for building the life and relationship we want, with the awareness and masculine presence she craves and is looking for from you.
A man who desires a Female Led Relationship is not a weak man. He is a man who knows what he wants and can advocate for it, while also accepting her leadership and guidance in the relationship. The Sovereign Submission Code Cohort is a space to build the foundation that supports what you want, with the fellowship of men just like you who are also seeking support so you can build and live your life unapologetically and powerfully as a sovereign man who is strong enough to lead and wise enough to kneel to her.