Getting Real with your Sexual Desires: The truth about why you want what you want will set you free

The deeper I go into men’s work, the more I get the opportunity to explore the unexamined areas of my life. Recently I’ve been reading “To Be a Man” by Robert Masters. One of the subjects that he touches on in some depth is around sexuality. In men’s work this is a subject that is typically treated gingerly, even though it’s a subject that really needs to be explored with a lot with transparency, compassion, and presence.

I’ve done a lot of work around my sexuality. I’ve healed a lot of my own sexual wounding. As I’m reading this book I find myself called back to examine some of the work that I’ve already done as well as to continue plunging the depths that are available to me.

I think one of the great unspoken truths for men in general is that we are operating in the shallow end of the pool when it comes to our sexuality and the masculine mysteries. So much of the focus of masculine sexuality is on the penis and whether or not a man is hard. But there’s a lot more to masculine sexuality than just that.

For example, what we end up fantasizing about, what we long to experience sexually, and the way that we experience it can be a really powerful component that is worth exploring. The pornography that a man watches (if he watches pornography) can also be a really fascinating flashpoint that shows what it is he needs to get real with in regards to his sexual fantasies and his sexual wounding.

What you watch is where your wound is

Most, if not all, men have watched pornography at some point in their lives. It has become such a prevalent aspect of masculinity, in no small part because the focus is on seeking release and relief from the inner sexual pressure that occurs but also the performative pressure that is put on men in terms of how they show up in the world.

The porn that I used to watch involve being seduced by a stepmom or a MILF or an older woman. Even as a teenager I found myself deeply fascinated with and intrigued by older women and most of the relationships that I got involved in early on were with women who were 10 to 15 years older than me. What I didn’t realize is that I was acting out through my sexual desires the deep inner wounds that I had around my early childhood experiences. This is the kind of topic that most men won’t touch on or explore, partially because they feel shame and embarrassment around the desires that they felt and partially because to do so means bringing into the light the very thing that they haven’t been willing to face within themselves.

My particular fantasies were a result of experiencing rejection as a kid with my Stepmom. I saw that she loved her own kids differently than she loved me. In some part of me was always trying to get that love and approval that I had not experienced with her. I didn’t realize that in a conscious way but the inner boy within me was definitely calling the shots when it came to my sexual desires. He was trying to get the healing through sex and the validation and the approval. Of course he was me. I was the person trying to get the validation and the approval.

I want you to think about your own sexual proclivities for a few moments. What is it that you fantasize about? What have you watched, if you’ve watched pornography? What have the themes been? Those themes play a significant role in your own life. On the surface level, they seem to be purely oriented around what you desire, but they are really a reflection of the deep inner wounding that you haven’t fully addressed or dealt with.

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Are your aroused or just faking it?

We don’t talk about this aspect of sexual fantasies or pornography. Yet it is something that men grapple with all the time. The lack of willingness to really sit and explore what the actual underlying issue is, is part of what keeps that pornography addiction so prevalent and creates the dysfunctional connection with masculine sexuality that men have. It leads to under-fucked men and women. It leads to a deeper sense of dissatisfaction and disconnection in your relationship.

I want you to think about the last time that you masturbated to pornography. What did you feel when you started to masturbate? What was at the root of your charge? Were you doing it because you genuinely wanted to experience pleasure or were you doing it to numb yourself out? Were you doing it as a way to escape boredom in the moment or were you doing it as a way to connect with yourself and with your desires?

Chances are that most of you will end up answering that you are numbing yourself or that you were disconnecting from your desires or that you were seeking that release because it felt like a way to deal with whatever stress or anxiety or pressure was in your life. You’re not alone because when I look at my own history with my sexuality, more often than not I can safely say that I have had sex or I’ve masturbated or I’ve used pornography as a way to get some release from the stress and anxiety of the moment or numb myself out in the face of whatever situation I was dealing with or try to salve that inner wound that I hadn’t really addressed or dealt with.

It’s easy to mistake arousal in the moment for genuine sexual desire and satisfaction when, if anything, it’s often an escape from the specific moment that you’re in. This is the challenge that faces so many men because when you’re checking out with your masturbation, chances are you’re also checking out when you’re having sex. She can feel it. She knows that you’re checked out. She knows that you’re somewhere else. She knows, most importantly, that you’re not with her.

There’s no way you can be with her as long as your sexual shadow is calling the shots. The inner wounded boy is calling out for attention. Your sexual desires may be very real and bring you lots of enjoyment but until you get clear about his role in those desires, it will continue to overshadow every experience that you have in a way that actually takes you out of the experience and away from her.

In the Sovereign Code Cohort one of the foundational principles that we explore is your relationship with your own sexuality: this isn’t just a matter of saying “I want a female-led relationship” or that “I desire kinky sex.” It’s a matter of getting really clear on what’s underneath that want and why it’s there.

Here’s the fascinating truth: as soon as you get clear on the shadow of your own sexual desires, what ends up happening is that you are able to be far more present with her and with yourself. Your shadow is no longer calling the shots. Your shadow is no longer telling you that it wants things a certain way. Instead you’re actually able to start being present with her and with yourself. This is when both of you start to become well fucked because you actually are truly being present with each other instead of being disconnected.

And this isn’t work that you can do alone. This is work where you need to be held in a container, supported by other men who are doing the same work. That’s one of the reasons I’ve put together the Sovereign Code cohort. What we’re ultimately doing is creating a code of behavior that allows you to fully step into your sovereignty.

You have the strength to lead and you have the wisdom to kneel. What you need is the support that will help you get there and that’s what this cohort is for. We’re going to explore, among other topics, your relationship with your sexual desires. We are going to explore how your sexual shadows show up in your desires and we’re going to transmute them through the sexual alchemy of coming clean about what is really at the heart of your desire.

I want to help you heal that wounded child who’s calling the shots so that way you can truly step into a sexual experience, knowing that you are bringing your full self instead of being distracted by the little boy who is trying to get approval or validation or some other form of acknowledgement from her or from the porn that you’ve been watching.

Join me in the Sovereign Code Cohort

You’re strong enough to lead and wise enough to follow her

This is a cohort for men who desire or are in Female Led Relationships, but feel like something isn’t lining up.

You show more devotion and she pulls back.

You’re ready to show your service and she rebuffs you.

You say you want her leadership, but something within you resists.

You can try to solve this on your own or you can get the support you need, from men who are on the same journey as you.

I want to learn more

I Chose not to be a Father: Why I decided to be child free

It’s Father’s Day, and on this day I’m thinking of my deceased father and also the choice I made when I was thirty to get a vasectomy. I grew up knowing I didn’t want to have kids. I was heavily influenced by my dad and his poor parenting, but also by recognizing that I was a lot like him, personality-wise. I didn’t want to continue the cycle of trauma that I’d grown up with on another generation. I also didn’t have the patience or desire to have kids.

In the Men’s Work world, fatherhood is held up as a pinnacle to aspire to. I see a lot of men trying to be very conscious dads, and I think it’s a very needed experience. But the idea of being a father turned me off. Being a father certainly ought to require a desire to be a dad, but it’s very easy to become a dad, whether you want to or not. I think a lot of men become dads without really planning on it and then it becomes fatherhood by reaction. Even if that isn’t the case and you’ve chosen to become a dad, what you have really done is signed on for the role of a lifetime and the responsibility that comes with it.

My dad never wanted to be a dad. One time, somewhat drunkenly, he confessed that he’d never wanted to have kids. I admittedly felt a bit stung by that admission, but as I considered his statement later on, it made a lot of sense. My dad loved his freedom and wanted to live his life, his way. Most of the time he did just that, regardless how it impacted other people. I saw that in him and I see it in me. The difference is, I made a deliberate choice not to have kids, because I recognized that I didn’t want to be in that role or have the responsibility that comes with fatherhood.

The power of conscious choice around parenthood

There is real power and presence in making a deliberate choice around parenthood. I don’t think this choice is talked about nearly enough, but the decision to have kids, once it is made, is conclusive: You’ve made the choice to bring another living being into the world and you have a responsibility to take care of that being.

A mentor once said that it was enough that my father brought me into the world. I’m alive because he fed me, clothed me and did what he had to do to pay the bills. There’s some truth to that statement, but there’s a lot of nuance that is missed as well. The same man who brought me into the world regularly told me I was a disappointment. He beat me, he ignored me, he put up with me. He did not really want the responsibility of being a father. This came out in multiple ways over the years, and I think if there is one lesson I truly learned from him it was this: Don’t be something you don’t really want to be.

I chose not to be a father because of those experiences, but also because of something else: My creativity.

Procreation is a creative act. Being a father also requires a lot of creativity. I recognize there are many men who are fathers, who are also creatives, but I didn’t want to give away one ounce of my creativity to anything other than the writing and art I was creating. Does that make me selfish or simply self-aware enough to recognize my priorities and honor them?

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You want to surrender control and be led by her.

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I got a Vasectomy at Thirty

I didn’t want kids. The woman I was married to at the time didn’t want kids either. I was in an open relationship and I didn’t want the possibility of ever having a kid enter into the equation. I also felt it was important that I get the vasectomy, both for my own empowerment as a man and because it was an easier operation for me, than asking a woman to go through the more invasive version. I’ve never regretted that decision and even now at 49 I look back and I thank myself for making that choice.

I have a lot more time in my life for the creative projects I want to focus on. I have a lot more time for the experiences that matter. More importantly, I don’t feel resentment toward myself or the kids I chose not to have. I haven’t perpetuated the same behaviors and patterns I grew up with. Maybe I wouldn’t have anyway. My brother chose to have kids and became a great father, motivated in part by NOT making the same choices that my dad made. But I made my own choice and I made it deliberately, with great awareness that I wasn’t going to pass on my genes or have kids or deal with all the realities of parenthood that occur when you take on having kids.

Have I missed out?

I don’t think so. I’m sure well-meaning parents could come to this article and leave comments trying to convince me otherwise, but what would the point be? I chose my journey and I’m not writing this article to say that my journey is the one you ought to take or to say that being a parent is bad. I’m writing this article to share a different perspective on parenthood, and why making a conscious choice around parenthood is so important. My dad had kids and he didn’t want them. Or maybe he did want them, but didn’t consider the full level of responsibility that came with being a father. I don’t know what he would say and I can’t ask him anymore. He served as an example to me, about how important it was to be clear on whether or not I really wanted to be a dad and have kids.

Getting a vasectomy was also a choice of responsibility. I took responsibility for my choice to not have kids by getting it. I also made the choice so that whoever I was with didn’t have to get a more invasive surgery to accomplish the same outcome or take medicine with side effects. I don’t think either of those experiences are recognized in men’s spaces as much as they ought to be. Getting a vasectomy was never just about my personal freedom from parenthood. It was making a choice to be responsible with the decision to not have kids and actually follow through on it.

I will never be a father. As I get older, I occasionally think about that choice. Today, this day that celebrates fathers, I am celebrating my choice NOT to be a father and sharing it as a path that isn’t often spoken about or acknowledged, but is nonetheless a valid choice for a man to make. If you make that choice, take the responsible action and get a vasectomy.

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The Medicine Wisdom of your Cock

I remember the first time my cock got hard, vividly. I woke up from a dream and I felt something different. I was hard and it was a bit terrifying and also magical. My relationship with my penis changed from that moment. It went from being more than just that dangly bit that hung between my legs and that I used to urinate to being a source of mystery, pleasure and confusion.

Suddenly, I would find that my cock got hard at random times and sometimes at the most inconvenient moments. I learned to adjust it more and to sometimes think boring thoughts and other times, when I was alone, I would enjoy touching my cock and exploring the range of sensations and experiences that could occur as I touched it.

My early explorations of my cock also coincided with my early explorations of practical magic1. As I discovered my cock, I also discovered magic and in the process found a way to marry my sexual energy and desire to my magical workings. I also tied all of this together into my emerging relationship as a man as I navigated the realities of puberty and figuring out who I was supposed as a man, both with myself and other people.

I knew there was power in my cock. Even the poorly taught sex ed classes made that clear. I could impregnate someone if I wasn’t careful. I knew I didn’t want kids and I also knew I was virile. It was a heady experience to sit with (pun intended). And as a young magician, I also recognized the power of sex and how it could transform a person’s life. It was clear to me that there were many possibilities available to explore around sex, and most people only focused on sex for enjoyment and/or procreation because that’s all they knew.

My first lover was a witch around my age who’d learned a bit about Tantra from her mother. We didn’t have sex right away. We instinctively both know that the act was worth waiting for, but we built up to it and one day we just knew and we had sex. I was a virgin, but she was not. My first few sexual experiences had all the awkwardness that everyone’s initial forays into sex have and yet it also felt like an initiation.

It was an initiation into pleasure and power and being young occultists, we quickly began exploring the magical applications of sex, to manifest results. What I quickly realized is that my cock was a magical wand and that her pussy was a portal to the realm of the imaginal. We could help each other access the latent possibilities within us and use sex as the medium to manifest results into the world.

We eventually broke up and went our separate ways, as happens with young lovers, but my initiation into sex magic was just beginning and with it also came the exploration of the mysteries of my cock as a magical wand and a medicine rod for transformation and healing work.