It’s Father’s Day, and on this day I’m thinking of my deceased father and also the choice I made when I was thirty to get a vasectomy. I grew up knowing I didn’t want to have kids. I was heavily influenced by my dad and his poor parenting, but also by recognizing that I was a lot like him, personality-wise. I didn’t want to continue the cycle of trauma that I’d grown up with on another generation. I also didn’t have the patience or desire to have kids.
In the Men’s Work world, fatherhood is held up as a pinnacle to aspire to. I see a lot of men trying to be very conscious dads, and I think it’s a very needed experience. But the idea of being a father turned me off. Being a father certainly ought to require a desire to be a dad, but it’s very easy to become a dad, whether you want to or not. I think a lot of men become dads without really planning on it and then it becomes fatherhood by reaction. Even if that isn’t the case and you’ve chosen to become a dad, what you have really done is signed on for the role of a lifetime and the responsibility that comes with it.
My dad never wanted to be a dad. One time, somewhat drunkenly, he confessed that he’d never wanted to have kids. I admittedly felt a bit stung by that admission, but as I considered his statement later on, it made a lot of sense. My dad loved his freedom and wanted to live his life, his way. Most of the time he did just that, regardless how it impacted other people. I saw that in him and I see it in me. The difference is, I made a deliberate choice not to have kids, because I recognized that I didn’t want to be in that role or have the responsibility that comes with fatherhood.
The power of conscious choice around parenthood
There is real power and presence in making a deliberate choice around parenthood. I don’t think this choice is talked about nearly enough, but the decision to have kids, once it is made, is conclusive: You’ve made the choice to bring another living being into the world and you have a responsibility to take care of that being.
A mentor once said that it was enough that my father brought me into the world. I’m alive because he fed me, clothed me and did what he had to do to pay the bills. There’s some truth to that statement, but there’s a lot of nuance that is missed as well. The same man who brought me into the world regularly told me I was a disappointment. He beat me, he ignored me, he put up with me. He did not really want the responsibility of being a father. This came out in multiple ways over the years, and I think if there is one lesson I truly learned from him it was this: Don’t be something you don’t really want to be.
I chose not to be a father because of those experiences, but also because of something else: My creativity.
Procreation is a creative act. Being a father also requires a lot of creativity. I recognize there are many men who are fathers, who are also creatives, but I didn’t want to give away one ounce of my creativity to anything other than the writing and art I was creating. Does that make me selfish or simply self-aware enough to recognize my priorities and honor them?
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I got a Vasectomy at Thirty
I didn’t want kids. The woman I was married to at the time didn’t want kids either. I was in an open relationship and I didn’t want the possibility of ever having a kid enter into the equation. I also felt it was important that I get the vasectomy, both for my own empowerment as a man and because it was an easier operation for me, than asking a woman to go through the more invasive version. I’ve never regretted that decision and even now at 49 I look back and I thank myself for making that choice.
I have a lot more time in my life for the creative projects I want to focus on. I have a lot more time for the experiences that matter. More importantly, I don’t feel resentment toward myself or the kids I chose not to have. I haven’t perpetuated the same behaviors and patterns I grew up with. Maybe I wouldn’t have anyway. My brother chose to have kids and became a great father, motivated in part by NOT making the same choices that my dad made. But I made my own choice and I made it deliberately, with great awareness that I wasn’t going to pass on my genes or have kids or deal with all the realities of parenthood that occur when you take on having kids.
Have I missed out?
I don’t think so. I’m sure well-meaning parents could come to this article and leave comments trying to convince me otherwise, but what would the point be? I chose my journey and I’m not writing this article to say that my journey is the one you ought to take or to say that being a parent is bad. I’m writing this article to share a different perspective on parenthood, and why making a conscious choice around parenthood is so important. My dad had kids and he didn’t want them. Or maybe he did want them, but didn’t consider the full level of responsibility that came with being a father. I don’t know what he would say and I can’t ask him anymore. He served as an example to me, about how important it was to be clear on whether or not I really wanted to be a dad and have kids.
Getting a vasectomy was also a choice of responsibility. I took responsibility for my choice to not have kids by getting it. I also made the choice so that whoever I was with didn’t have to get a more invasive surgery to accomplish the same outcome or take medicine with side effects. I don’t think either of those experiences are recognized in men’s spaces as much as they ought to be. Getting a vasectomy was never just about my personal freedom from parenthood. It was making a choice to be responsible with the decision to not have kids and actually follow through on it.
I will never be a father. As I get older, I occasionally think about that choice. Today, this day that celebrates fathers, I am celebrating my choice NOT to be a father and sharing it as a path that isn’t often spoken about or acknowledged, but is nonetheless a valid choice for a man to make. If you make that choice, take the responsible action and get a vasectomy.
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