I think one of the most important skills a submissive man can learn is the skill of paying attention to his mistress. I’m not just talking about listening to her when she speaks, though that’s certainly important. What I’m really talking about is paying attention to the subtle details and nuances of her being that aren’t always readily apparent to a man.
Men have a biological cycle that doesn’t fluctuate or change very much, whereas her biological cycle is a continual experience of fluctuation that varies depending on where she is in her cycle.
And she has her routines, her way of being in the world. As a submissive man you want to be attuned to her rhythm and routine, showing your devotion by noticing how she carries herself through her life and being able to anticipate that routine.
And let’s be clear - This isn’t happy wife, happy life, where you’re going along to get along.
The difference between submission and nice guy codependency
Submission is a conscious choice and a fundamental orientation to her as a guiding presence in your life. It requires the discipline and presence to show up in full devotion to her. It’s also a desire that is deeply embedded in your being. You keep coming back to submission because it addresses something fundamental within yourself that is calling for recognition.
Nonetheless one of the challenges that the FLR dynamic faces is the submissive man’s awareness of his submission to her as a genuine orientation to her as opposed to using her to fulfill his kinky desires.
A nice guy may try to orient himself to her cycle and routine because he’s trying to get approval or stay safe through anticipating her needs. He wants to get something from her.
A submissive man orients himself to her routine and cycle he genuinely derives an intrinsic sense of satisfaction and connection by doing so. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t face challenges, but he’s honest about it, with himself and her.
One of the best ways he can show her his dedication to the relationship dynamic and his choice to submit is making the time and effort to learn her cycle and routine and orient himself to it.
The Guide for Men who want to be in a Female Led Relationship
You want to submit to her.
You want to surrender control and be led by her.
But she pulls back and gets cold and withdrawn.
Find out why and what to do in The Sovereign Submission Relationship Guide
How aware are you of her biological cycle?
Do you know where she is in her cycle? Are you paying attention to the details that show when she’s in an ovulation phase versus a luteal phase?
A lot of men don’t know the answers to these questions and skirt around trying to find the answers, but to truly serve her with devotion requires a level of awareness and attention to what her experience is on a given day.
Paying attention to her biological cycle clues you into her experience. One of the best ways to do this is to start tracking her cycle each day. Note what day it is and where she is in her cycle helps you understand how you can be of service to her experience and her needs as she’s going through her cycle. It also shows her that you are paying attention to her daily experience and not taking it for granted.
Are you attuned to her routine?
Do you notice her daily routine? Do you know when she wakes up and what her initial experience of the day is? Are you paying attention throughout the day? In an FLR, if you aren’t paying attention to her routine there is a disconnect in your ability to serve her or show up for her.
Her routine is the quiet current that guides your life. Her lived experience is the call to you to serve and submit.
When you are fully attuned to her, she knows it. She may not say anything, nor is she obligated to, but she knows. She also knows when you aren’t attuned to her. She knows when you aren’t paying attention or showing up with dedication and purpose to her.
The truth is that her routine isn’t just HER routine. It’s your routine. It’s the routine you orient your life around. If you genuinely want to be of service to her it requires a fundamental shift in your thinking about orienting your life to her, as well as the acceptance of her leadership.
Her routine and her cycle guide you. Your attention to them is a dedication of your service to her and your willingness to fully commit to being in the specific dynamic you’ve chosen.
If you’re experiencing resistance to that orientation, its time to get curious about what that resistance is about, both so you can share it with her and discuss it, but also so you can understand where it’s coming from and address it proactively through your own work.
In the Resistance, Surrender and Regulation e-book we get to the root of your resistance to discover what your resistance is really about.
You say you want to surrender.
But when it actually matters…
You hesitate.
You tighten.
You argue.
You shut down.
Your nervous system is activated, and you don’t know how to work with it.
Learn how to identify the cause of your resistance and how to regulate it in a healthy way that allows you to surrender to her and go deeper into your dynamic.